No business wants to miss out on the Low Carb Craze, an undying fad that crawled out of the grave it laid for itself some time ago, resurrected in all its money-making glory, thanks to the fact that America is one giant Fat Bastard.

There is, of course, a scientific explanation for all of this. You see, Americans are on the forefront of evolution. A class of beings who do not physically move at all, and are rather plugged into various networking devices, constantly consuming (information, food, etc.), no longer needs carbohydrates. The carbs of yesteryear will be relegated to those societies still unfortunately stuck in the post-agricultural, yet pre-information society era, where work and everyday living entail having arms and legs and something resembling muscle to move them.

We information-age Americans, on the other hand, have no need for such prehistoric appendages, and luckily will see them go the way of the tail. Our diets already consist largely of chemical combinations spawned from labs in New Jersey rather than things like potatoes *, which are better left for the folks who originally tamed such high carb foods, like the Incans and their descendants, who still slavishly labor under the yoke of mobility and require food.

So as we embrace our new diets, folks who still strangely desire mobility (and usually take care of that by going to a strange place we call a "gym") are faced with a dilemma. We MUST drink beer. And of course, we must drink beer that tastes like piss since we do not want the little bit of taste or nutrients that go with it. The answer, of course, is to use advertising to convince people that activities so distant in relation to one another in fact go together. Drinking and exercising? Sounds great! Let's go with that!

Light beers, in of themselves completely idiotic (devoid of taste and devoid of character) can now be packaged as "low-carb". In fact, good for working out. Never mind that light beers already are low-carb.

Let's try something new, America. Instead of fooling ourselves by suffering through a dozen bottles of lukewarm carbonated piss as a reward for the punishing 15-minute workout we had, how about trying to do things in moderation, and maybe eat foods nature (and thousands of years of human agricultural triumphs) provided. And drink a goddamn Guinness, fer chissakes! Actually don't do that. We are looking forward to our future as immobile brains-things riding to and from our various networking modules on Segways!

*A typical artificial strawberry flavor, like the kind found in a Burger King strawberry milk shake, contains the following ingredients: amyl acetate, amyl butyrate, amyl valerate, anethol, anisyl formate, benzyl acetate, benzyl isobutyrate, butyric acid, cinnamyl isobutyrate, cinnamyl valerate, cognac essential oil, diacetyl, dipropyl ketone, ethyl acetate, ethyl amyl ketone, ethyl butyrate, ethyl cinnamate, ethyl heptanoate, ethyl heptylate, ethyl lactate, ethyl methylphenylglycidate, ethyl nitrate, ethyl propionate, ethyl valerate, heliotropin, hydroxyphenyl-2-butanone (10 percent solution in alcohol), a-ionone, isobutyl anthranilate, isobutyl butyrate, lemon essential oil, maltol, 4-methylacetophenone, methyl anthranilate, methyl benzoate, methyl cinnamate, methyl heptine carbonate, methyl naphthyl ketone, methyl salicylate, mint essential oil, neroli essential oil, nerolin, neryl isobutyrate, orris butter, phenethyl alcohol, rose, rum ether, g-undecalactone, vanillin, and solvent. from Fast Food Nation, by Eric Schlosser