With Microsoft’s announcement of their new search engine came my immediate response: Which one is better at finding boobs? Specifically, big’uns? Let’s see, shall we? Bing automatically wins the “safe search off” feature with its very quick popup. No scrolling to find out how get shut that stupid thing off, like on Google. In any case, safe search is off, but I have provided the pre-requisite blindfolds to block nipples for you sensitive readers.

Google:

Bing:

Who wins?

Variety: Google nailed it with the first result of Al Bundy reading his favorite periodical, Big ‘Uns. Google also returned a tractor and some big fish, which are also clearly “big’uns”, though not the kind I was looking for. Big ‘uns comics and a band (or is it their album?) called Big ‘uns were interesting results as well.

Accuracy: Bing returned nothing but big ‘uns. That much is indisputable. Not only that, aside from two comically big big’uns, there was a nothing but solid big ‘uns that I have no doubt Al Bundy would have appreciated. Not only that, even with safe search off, I see nary a nipple with Google’s results. For shame.

Overall: The win goes to Bing, and here is why: How nice is this feature? Clearly, we could get a bit more granular here, but the ability to include (or not include) the face is one that had me sold on it. Bing it is!

There have been real analyses done on what a facebook fan is worth, but let’s not take too seriously such pseudo-marketing perversions of science coming from the pseudo-authority blogosphere, shall we not? OK, then.

Here is something I hear from marketing folks and ad agencies all the time:

“We need Facebook fans.” 

OK then. Yes. It’s like saying you need traffic. But then what? THAT is the million dollar question. I don’t have an answer. Shit, that’s not my job. I CAN get a couple hundred thousand facebook fans, however. And despite the self-absorbed blogerati, doing so has nothing to do with how pretty the coke can is on your coca-cola facebook page. It has to do with two things:

1. How recognizable the brand is
2.  Facebook’s poor search engine

Around February 20 of this year, I took on one of the most obvious, most-loved, and recognized products around: The Cadbury Creme Egg. Who doesn’t love those? I know. It’s too easy. It’s like the rampantly-fanned “Not being on fire” page. That guy is selling t-shirts now. Anyway, here was the step-by-step approach:

1. See that Cadbury has spent some effort promoting stuff on their Facebook page, which is called Cadbury Creme Egg

2. Understand that Facebook search for Cadbury Creme Eggs (plural) will pull up a page called exactly that, based on string matching. It isn’t Google.

3. Create the page
http://www.facebook.com/pages/Cadbury-Creme-Eggs/60688423985 

4. Post whatever the hell I want, including vulgar Creme Egg rap tributes, sexually explicity commentary, user-generated youtube videos, and a picture of a home-made goatse creme egg (look it up if you don’t know what goatse is)

The Goatse Creme Egg

5. Collect over 200,000 fans

OK. Now what? Legally, Cadbury can simply ask Facebook to remove the page, even though when I put it up there was no “I legally declare” mumbo jumbo Facebook asked for (they do now). The reality, though, is that this is different than cybersquatting. Cadbury might think “well I don’t want to piss off those 200,000 people and have the page shut down…but I want them to know about the real page and fan that…then I can show the CMO the number of fans and apply my pseudo-scientific mumbo jumbo analysis and look better.” 

The truth is, Cadbury probably doesn’t give a shit, and, in fact, some jackass is doing something for them for free that they cannot do: build irreverent content around the brand, use copyrighted material for parody purposes, and bring traffic and discussion about it together as a complement to their official Facebook presence. Some may laugh, some may be disgusted and contact Cadbury’s customer support, others may not have a clue what is going on. But hey, who cares? It is eliciting some emotion. That’s good. 

So - any CMO’s out there? Give me a call. We can talk off the books. The goofy white guy rapping schtick seems to work for some percentage of the market every time…

In the meantime, it would be pretty simple for Facebook to tweak the search engine and offer brands who do media buys a “stamp of approval” - which would automatically mean top search results billing for all related brand names. I know the search is not as important as the viral sharing, but it’s important. This way users can recognize official brand pages easily. But perhaps the problem is that then they would ignore them. And that’s a discussion for another day.

Click to play, right-click to download “I Got Goo”

Click to play, right click to download “Every Egg has its Creme”    (Parody of Every Rose has its Thorn)

This is what I love about America: We are always at the forefront of great innovations in science and culture

This is a real press release:

Cheetos Goes Big Time With Nationwide Launch of Giant Cheetos Snacks

March 31, 2009

Big Taste, Big Fun Drive Introduction of Sized-Up Snacking Sensation 

PLANO, Texas - Building on its track record as the most mischievous and playful snack brand in the world – not to mention a rich history of cheesiness – Frito-Lay’s Cheetos brand today announced that April 1, 2009 will mark the launch of one of the BIGGEST innovations to ever come out of the snack food industry – Giant Cheetos snacks.  Created by Chester Cheetah and the absurdly creative Cheetos development team, Giant Cheetos provide the great cheesy taste consumers love, but are roughly the size of golf balls and stand as the perfect expression of the brand’s playful personality.  Available nationwide in Cheese and Flamin’ Hot flavors, the brand anticipates the over-sized snack sensation to be a two-bite-per-cheesy-ball experience for the average consumer, while recognizing that more-evolved snackers, or “big mouths,” will be able to enjoy them in a single chomp.

“The Cheetos brand believes people who lighten up and play more live happier lives,” said Ann Mukherjee, group vice president, marketing, Frito-Lay North America.  “With Giant Cheetos, we’re offering a new snack experience that we hope will inspire fun and laughter, and bring to life the ‘kid in all of us.’”

The launch of Giant Cheetos comes as the brand adjusts its positioning to exclusively target adult consumers, with a focus on providing more play time as a release from everyday life.  In fact, contributing to the product’s development were consumer insights that point to a desire by adults for more fun in their lives and a recognition of the need to lighten up more.

“As we looked at product development for the Cheetos brand, we really wanted to find a way to bring ‘fun’ to the consumer in a unique way that went beyond just a conventional marketing message, and what better way to do that than through the actual product,” said Mukherjee.  “When we came to the idea of creating giant-sized Cheetos snacks, we knew we had a winner just because of the sheer silliness of the concept and we really hope consumers get a kick out of them as much as we have.”

Note: this is an article “from the archives” so it is dated by a good 5 years.

LG. Two ubiquitous letters that today appear in tandem on everything from cell phones to herbal toothpaste. It was only a matter of time before they became guests in our kitchens as well.

We all love the sounds and smells of the kitchen, a source for dozens of warm memories. The season finale of Desperate Housewives…American Idol…the new Korn video on MTV. Ahh yes.

The ad reads “With its built-in LCD TV, the LG TV refrigerator allows you to get more things done in the kitchen than just cooking.”

We’re stumped. Wouldn’t you get more”things done” when you’re trying to prepare food without a TV bothering you? What is it about staring at a screen is getting “done”?

Cooking, an activity (note the root word “active”), rather than a hobby, a time to create, is now a chore in our society. In fact, the kitchen, rather than being a place for cooking, is now, like every other facet of our mindless lives, a place to absorb more advertising and more meaningless clutter. Look at this woman. She’s about to dump out an entire pot of hot food all over the counter because she is so damn enthralled by…by…that bevy of identical models? And what, pray tell, is that thing on the left there? Hopefully it plays mp3s. And doesn’t this kitchen look like it belongs in THX-1138?

We need to consume product pitches at all times. It needs to pervade every room and every space. And it needs to replace any activity that in the past was an important part of our humanity - what it means to be human. What it means to be am organic being, in fact. Those things, for us, are now just chores that get in the way of consumption.

Ever been to a party and find yourself crammed in the kitchen, despite having other rooms to socialize in? Like all social animals, human beings tend to gather around food. We plan our events around eating. Luckily, those days will be long gone. Instead of chatting with grandma for hours in the kitchen while she meticulously slaves over a family recipe dozens of generations in the making, we can just buy our ready-made pre-processed genetically and chemically-engineered stuff, stick it in some gaping electronic device, and drown grandma out with Everybody Loves Raymond. Hallelujah.

This one should go down in the annals of what we like to call “revolutionary packaging”. It’s a concept we think only exists in the great U S of A. DuPont even has annual awards for such innovation. This particular ground-breaking design comes from the pages ofSmithsonian magazine, a great magazine whose advertisers definitely consider to be read by the moneyed folks with plenty of leisure time demographic. The premise is apparently that only people whose most difficult moment in the day is making a pot of coffee have the time and wherewithal to read about the latest Lewis & Clark revelations.

We stared at this one for a long time. We examined the “grippable” package. We imagined snapping the snap-top lid into place. But we were stumped.

Eventually, we understood the difficulties we have faced with metal containers, vacuum-packed bags, and other near torture devices these coffee ogres continue to provide us. Under hypnosis, we recoiled in horror as we recounted morning after morning of cleaning up trails of spilled coffee grounds. We ruminated on the wasteful amount of coffee lost per year through such agonizing proceedings. We cried for the Brazilian coffee farmer - paid pennies a day while we carelessly ripped open another bag of Starbucks and spilled the fruits of their labor all over our kitchen floors only to be wiped up later with an unassuming, cold, wet rag.

Now…now the wonders of the grippable package came to light. Awakened, like children who survive years of abuse by mentally sublimating our horrific memories, we had reached a revelation. An epiphany if you will.

With the grippable package, mornings are better. Life is simpler. Life is good. Life becomes…revolutionary.

The
snap-top lid. This is what America is all about. This is freedom.